Yosh. It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It seems that the time I'd turn to writing is when I'm faced with the lowest points of my life. Funny how it is but writing seems to be the one thing that broke me down recently.
It's crazy that all these while you have this confidence in you of your own capability when suddenly one day it just hit you right in the face. It's not that you're stupid or anything. It's just that you FEEL stupid. Now how do I put this? I'd think that feeling stupid is worse than being stupid. It's because if you're stupid, you might not even know it and you're in this little world of yours not comprehending what people are saying or thinking of you. But if you feel that you're stupid, even if you're not, you'd feel horrible.
I guess I should instead say that when your self confidence breaks and you'd think that you yourself are stupid; it'll just stab you in the guts when circumstances around you move to prove that you're right.
Now I believe this is caused by stress and also the lack of self confidence. I know my capabilities. I know I can do much better. Heck I know the answer. But I just can't translate it into the words I need. Everything is just in my head buy it's all jumbled up and second after second you start to feel the walls closing on to you, leaving lesser space for you and boom! You're nothing but chapati.
It's scary how pressure could do onto a person. When you have someone who used to think that they need you more than you do, but turns out you suck balls more than them (well not literally euw). But yeah. Tables turned. You're on the weaker side. You're the dumb slow one. And then they belittle you. Saying how fortunate you are cuz the shit you have to face are peanuts. Yeah like I need more stories floor to go down to (basement level 57 pls tq) ding! Oh yes please don't even offer any help. I'd don't need anymore how can you nots..
Oh my God. I feel karma hitting on me. Was I that person? Was I the one doing that? Oh God no..
That's.... I'm so sorry.. I hope I did help. I've never felt so low of myself ever. Not even my level of optimism could help. U wallowed in tears allowing the little red devil on my left shoulder telling me how stupid I am. How worthless. How could I even thought I was anywhere near good. How I even thought I could conquer the world. How when a few sentences and a 4,000 word count beats me to the ground. I'm never a cryer. But I've finished 3 years worth of quota on this one.
But how is it if your pillar of strength has thorns on it. (Yeah thanks ego). You hang on to it for your dear life but it's gotta be a painful one. What if people just don't get it. What if you've so gotten used to the masked smile you don't know how to reach out anymore? The helpless feeling. The feeling that all that you made yourself believe about you is a lie. A super huge narcissistic lie. And it's proven and paraded to all on how all the past medals are nothing but a piece of recyclable crap.
I've never knew being compared sucks, cuz I never really cared. No wonder it'll lead to stress and anxiety. Poor Asian kids.
It's just overwhelming. Things like this. I think I need a getaway for temporary relief and then a platform to prove to myself that I ain't a lying narcissist.
It's been a rough week.
An effing rough one.
Now I've gotta man up, chest out and brave the storm.
Good night people