October 21, 2013

Supermassive Blackhole

It's a horrible thing to feel when you're feeling the bits of regret that you did not let go of the things you should.

I was in a deep dilemma that ate up part of me for a whole month. it was not JUST a dilemma, but one that could change the course of my life. And when I took up the guts to make my own decision, decision move on, I faced being judged. Being criticized. Being manipulated. Then I just went "Fuck it" and roll right into the box where they kept me.

I remember struggling the ropes that they tie me in. Turning all the circumstances against me. Scaring me with the unknown. Soothing me with their prediction and vision. Of a greener grass. I tried being mean, cruel, even desperate. To no avail they would never want to let me go and continued suffocate me. 3 escape attempts. I got pulled back.

Right here right now I'm feeling so much pressure on myself. I told them that I can't do this. That this is not my thing. That I'm suffering in the task that I'm assigned to. That I am working with no passion which will lead to self destruction. No. They don't listen. When my own self righteousness cannot be argued, they bring in others into the picture. "what would happen if you left them? Them helpless creatures abandoned like that" Well too bad so sad no?

No. I couldn't. Fuck the false image they gave. Now I feel like I spoiled my own reputation. I am horrible in making these decisions. I can't handle these stuffs. I may be a fast learner but this is not what I am good at. And I'm struggling cuz it's my pot of food for the family. But I'm embarrassing myself in front of them all.

If only I could go scream at them. "SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?! I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT DOING ANY GOOD! I'M CAUSING SO MUCH BAD THAN GOOD! AND YOU STILL TREAT ME LIKE I'M THE AWESOME PERSON THERE BUT I'M NOTT!!! I CAN'T DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO! FUCKING DON'T DESERVE ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO ME"

I'd cry but I feel embarrassed. Weak. Vulnerable. Vulnerable. Judged. Oh dear God help me. Have I done fair to myself? Where have my instincts go.,why is there only survival instincts with me. What happened to ambition? Dream? Courage? My future vision of being successful. Not being a bishop or a knight in someone else's chess game.

What have I done to myself?

Why the resigned feeling?
Why the contentment?
Why trying to prove to people I love that I made my suggestions because I needed to sacrifice myself for them. That I'm doing a selfless thing. That this is for their good. So that they CAN be a proper real successful person than me.

cuz I have no hope.

I'm just gonna live in the now. #YOLO

What is to become of me?

stephy-broken-nie

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