June 25, 2010

Oh Mai Gawd.


This year's World Cup is so sad cause most of the "top teams" are leaving home and it's not even the round before Quarters! wtf!

No I'm not exactly a huge fan of football. Wait, not even considered a fan of it but being very easily adaptable to situations, I've adapted the footie feel whenever the game is played before me except the game between south korea and netherland which bored me to sleep

but anyways These days I've been so tired from all the OTs at work and I'm actually stuck in a dilemma where I'm stuck duh! in between wants, needs, expectations, requirements and all of these stuffs makes me doubt myself and my choices.

I'm now like standing here with a circle drawn around me which once I've crossed out at certain direction, which will determine my exit towards certain future of whats gonna happen to me and if I'll end up being atas or bawah. Then am surrounded by tons of people with different wants from me trying ta push me out of the circle at total opposite directions. But when I'm about to cross it, they push me back in with their "hidden terms" which they didn't tell me when the hand is offered.

I know I suck at making decisions and I'm very indecisive PLUS with the half hearted feelings on the programme I'm pursuing minus the passion, I am just hanging by a thread now, being swing, swang-ed and swung around not knowing what to do. How I wish SOMEONE would just tell me.

THis stuffs that's happening doesn't make me fell better at all. I mean I feel completely USELESS and that I'm wasting so much of time fearing the what-ifs but still not finding the courage to go for it.

There's pressure from parents, where considering I am to continue my studies, I'll be spending more of their money, contributing less for another 2-3 years and which I know people say they earned for us and we earn to repay them but I dunno I have that reluctance in me currently for no reason.

but thinking of working full time with a diploma is a Short Term plan as well cause I can never go much further with only this qualification. I mean I wouldn't lie to say I have never imagined/dreamed of being awfully successful and earning as much that I could travel to any country as often as I want on or off official business, but fo rsome reason that passion in my field just ain't there that I doubt myself so much that I could achieve it. I hate feeling this way, I sound like a bloody insecure coward whom have no motivation and with no will power at ALL, giving up so damn easily. I hate myself for being in such a situation. People all come to me easily saying you HAVE TO CONTINUE YOUR DEGREE! if not it'll be too late and you'l never make it! DEGREE IS THE MINIMUM for today's working requirement! without it you're another SPM leaver! don't work. Working will come later. Study babe study. Forget earning, your parents would see the results later!

Then the scholarship and loans come in view. I know ptptn is there. Maybe I should really just go take the loan and study, heck their right. But then my parents asked me : "can't confirm get enough to cover all or not? If they give only half, how to pay?!"

*blink blink*
*falls into a deep black hole*

sometimea I wonder is it really them or is it just me not wanting to continue to study.
I feel so disturbed I couldn't help just thinking of it at work when I'm alone.

I remember I over thought it once and tears actually fell off that I couldn't take it no more I hadta tell it to someone. I received words that soothed me but still I'm stuck in a dilemma.

Of course I would wnat to hold a degree.
Of course I would wanna have an awesome job right after graduation from either diploma or degree.

Maybe I'm just finding excuses now that I dowana choose my path.
I don't know what;s wrong with me after graduating. It's like I'm not ready to graduate at all that it became like some kinda post poisoned kinda case.

What IS THE MATTER WITH ME?

I dunno.

What do I want?

WHat should I do?

What if?

What?

Where am I?

to go? to be?

sigh.

stephy-dilemmaed-nie

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