Oh and I’ve just read this post from Ka Seng
hahaha funny to be calling you Ka Seng :P about how blogs used to be created out of the interest of being in the “IN” group and getting those anonymous visits by the thousands feeling like one of the oh-so-fehmes bloggers.
He mentioned about things like being recognized at events by strangers till now how we’ve been “out of my blogging mojo”, struggling to update regularly, losing interest in the commitment of trying to dig and edit and post random rants and photos to keep the flow coming in.
Laughing to his post I remember back during the time when I started, I started with no creative juice at all, blogging because I’ve found a new medium to release myself. And slowly I’ve met something call randomity and photography and yes, I too went through those “processes” and more.
THEN, to compare the me when I started blogging and the me now, I’ve noticed how I’ve grown in a way that I no longer am who I was before.
Here comes the emo-ing and whining
I no longer try my best to run away from strangers who MAY actually recognize me.
I no longer take
most things for granted, appreciating the value of what comes in my life, EXPRESSING how I feel towards the existence of the item/person/event
I’ve learnt Patience, Determination, Optimism, “Use Your Brain!”, and the way of life. I’ve learnt to CHOOSE, to Decide, to Accept, to Forget, to Apologize.
Throughout the year I’ve met awesome people, experienced magic, experience what it feels like going with the flow, BELIEVING that things CAN work out, and when it didn’t, I’ve met optimism, and perspective.
I’ve appreciated many knowings. Acquaintances, Love, Friendship, Guidance, Opportunity.
Few mistaken steps. Few unsuccessful dreams, plans. Few things that I have to let go.
People doubting me all the time, asking me, forcing me to decide, to answer, to determine, to judge. Sometimes
or maybe all the time you just feel like pulling their head off their neck every single time they ask you that one question that never seem to be bored of like AT ALL.
“So not gonna go back studying?”“What about degree?”“Why you don’t wanna go work in your field? There can earn more wad.”“Aiyo you join that field ah? what you do there? Gaji how many k? Enough meh?”“Study so many years ady switch field so wasting money”
I somewhat feel so wanna be anti social already and not see them people who ask those questions. Just keep my mouth shut and earn all then money that I’m earning whether you think I should or shouldn’t be doing right now,
It feels so different, having the taste of responsibility, that what I’m doing now help pay bills. Where the money I spent is from my own sweat
or maybe more of lack of sleep, dry skin, blurry eyes from staring at the screen and seeing my own saving stack up.
I feel excited, knowing I can give my parents hundreds every month and still have balance to spend for movies and drinks!
Of course I wanna go study, why wouldn’t I wanna go enjoy life, just ready up a few things, learn stuffs from books and write 5000 words essays while lepaking around college instead of being stuck 9 to 5
no wait it’s 830 to 6 actually in an office in front of an 32” Screen doing nonsensical jobs getting stressed up cause of all the complicated subjective technical knowledge.
But the obligations, the comparisons, judgments, the sense of wanting to contribute instead of extracting and consuming,
I’ve chosen a path now. And I dowana just leave halfway.
It doesn’t feel good at all, leaving half way. It shows how indecisive, how vulnerable I could be.
So yeah I hate when you come to me and say that I’m a failure, I’m a waste, I’m an unappreciative girl. I want to prove you so much that MY path can bring me to distance. I wanna prove that I DID NOT do anything wrong.
How do you measure success?
When I can afford everything I want? When I can have all the things I want? When people actually look up to me because I’m influential?
Or is it wrong to define success as a personal expectation fulfilled, living a happy life with enough earnings and no worries?
I may not have all those cool gadgets or the awesomest car or a huge ass house but I feel complete with my lauyah phone and my good old Kancil AND my awesome home because it provides me just the right thing I need.
Is it wrong to have my highest wish to be having to see my work be up around town by the time I’m 26?
Is it wrong to define successful as nothing more than making my family happy and to never see them be disappointed or cry?
Objectivism versus subjectivism?
I fear that I will spend like before, or much more if I go back to study. I fear the what ifs. what if I don’t get the full loan, what if I have to spend so much that at home there’s not enough to use and my parents refuse to let me know? What if they give me that hopeful “I’m know you can do it” look and hoped for the best and I failed them?
Inside of me I’m just so afraid I couldn’t even express myself to my besties or
then boyfie whom used to be the only vessel I pour into?
All the insecurities I had and have scares the shit outta me.
No no irony here but I just wanna put this comic so badly in!
Oh and all comics are from NatalieDee’s blog. Comel betul!
Blurting completed. Shall cry myself to sleep and wake up with a huge smile tomorrow.
*Release stress = checked
* Update blog = checked
Oh if only it does.