Obsolete

Sometimes it’s just like that. I don’t know what I‘m thinking and what I’m doing. I’ve always thought that it’s okay but after it happens a tsunami of thoughts just flood through my mind non-stop Judging, Screwing, Reminiscing, slicing though each and every part of my brains reminding me where I stand, Comparing.

And then I get the Obsolete stamp.

I guess it’s just a way to grow up.

I’m meeting people, I fell for some, I hated some, I Loved a lot.

It’s even funnier how people you know might not just be the person you thought they are, though it HAD been years since we’ve known each other. One day out of nowhere they might just come out of nowhere and ask a question. A VERY disturbing question. And as it disturbs you, you compelled into it and it brings realization of something that you did not notice at all.

The difference, the feelings, the memories.

The tear it brings. The joy that was.

Out of nowhere I just feel like crying.

I feel like I’ve lost my way, the shoulders I had to cry on.

I am alone.

alone in the dark dark dark room.

And it may sound ridiculous I know.

I don’t know how anymore. I just needed to pour things out, but I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t tell you why. But all I want is just that. To Tell, to talk. And see your face looking back to me telling me that I’m just being silly and things are gonna be alright. No one’s going to judge, and you know very well yourself that.

I’d wish I could go back to December and turn around and change my own mind.

Again, something rather contradicting,

You ain’t King of Anything

 

*I DO NOT own those awesome photos. they’re from deviantArt!*

Procrastination to end?

Holy balooney I have been procrastinating from my blogging days for nuts of years! *hint exxageration* Okay maybe not the years but months already! It's not that I gave up on blogging but I guess the mojo died down with my stamina and attention span :X

Now that I've been forced.. I mean ENCOURAGED by the ever awesome Ms Mabel to start blogging again by throwing me a challenge. Now just hope it works ;p

Fingers crossed?

Where’d you go?

We were chatting really well this afternoon, laughing while I tease her like always. She complimented my RM10 laced top that I bought from Times Square early this year. Then we had Pauhib teasing her, asking if she wants to wear something like that too. And I told her that she should wear something sexayh like that. lols. She told us that she never wore something like that before, lacey with spaghetti strap. It tickled me.

I saw the glitter, the shine in her eyes when we arrived, especially with the kiddo along (like literally). She was really excited, and started to tell us about his elder brother and how smart and witty he is in speaking, comparing this little guy here with him. We told her he’s only a year old so cannot expect much mah.. Still small. Then she goes on telling us how she don’t remember how to pronounce both the boys’ names. (told her it’s Jay Jay & Jun Jun but she asked for the English name instead LOLs LMAO) Oh and that includes their dad’s. Apparently she never called him by name till now. LOLs.

As usual again, every time we arrive and she’s eating halfway, she’d go all embarrassed and shy and would immediately say she’s full and refuse to eat any more. I could not really fathom why but I guess she’s just being really “hak hei” towards us which is weird cuz what’s there to hak hei lah aiyoo. She was about to finish, I mean with her condition, she’s really a superwoman in eating normally already cuz I doubt I can eat with all of my teeth gone, seriously; where was I? oh yeah, so then she refused to continue eating, stating that she’s already full and quickly got Pauhib to clear the table. And funny part was that she hit Pauhib on her hand cuz Pauhib didn’t go get that biscuit it was so cute the way she pronounced it “biz kuit” for me (which I insisted that I didn’t want).

Then in a soft solemn voice she merely whispered that it has been awhile since we’ve been there. She asked if I didn’t have work today. Told her today was my off day this week. She asked what I’m selling currently on my job (O-O) I’m like I work in office liao loh.. Very long ady.. “boh buey ming gia liao” (Translated as no longer selling stuffs in Hokkien). Suddenly my proficiency in hokkien leveled up to level 15 from level 5 wtfbbq.

As usual she tried shoving biscuits and breads and whatever foodstuffs that she have to us. Kept asking me to eat, asking dad if he wants coffee. Funny habit of her. Always worried we’re hungry or underfed but at the same time she wouldn’t eat herself. Sometimes I’ll just take the can just for the sake of getting her to stop shoving the bis kuits into my face which usually ends up with me actually eating them =_=

Then after awhile, that small kiddo started to make noise, whining and restless. Keeps pointing outside to my dad. So I guess we had to leave. Mum and dad told her we’re gonna have to leave already and went to get the car with that noisy boy.

Me, sitting beside her, I held her hand and told her that I’m gonna leave now and we’ll be back to visit again. She held on my hand. With a longing grip. With the almost glassy eyes looking at me. She asked why do we have to leave so early. I couldn’t explain how I felt at that point of time. The force of her grip, her eyes, I couldn’t respond. I just sat there and held on to her hand, gave her a squeeze, and after a moment I tried explaining that the boy is making a fuss already and we have to leave, told her we’ll be back again.

But I didn’t want to leave her like that. I wanted to tear looking at her react like that. What are we doing? She don’t need the hoo-hah, she don’t need the publicity of her needs, she don’t need the social network coverage, she needs the real flesh and blood of ours. Our presence, not only by being there in the physical house, but to sit by her, talk to her, hold her hand, story her on our life routines and she’ll be contented.

I always hold her hands when I talk to her, but this time it just felt really filled with emotions. She held on tight, not willing to let me leave. Her longing in her eyes for us to stay longer, her sadness and loneliness in her eyes. No wonder people said the eyes are the windows to the soul, the heart. Today I saw them.

I guess it’s no longer the time to point fingers. I guess we do need reminders from time to time, to remind us who’s waiting for us to go say “amah, chiak bah beh?” (Grannie, Have you eaten?) She didn’t live up to the 90s+ to be lonely without her loved ones.

What others choose to do doesn’t matter much anymore. I guess it’s time instead for US to choose what WE should do and do it. Rather more efficient like that huh?

Amah, I’m sorry I wasn’t there often enough for you.

</3

stephy-nie

Procrastination! Happy Mooncake Festival!

Yes I am procrastinating from completing my work so that I would have a better day tomorrow to make it in time for that stupid deadline but I could not get into the kesemangatan-ness and so I will die tomorrow DIE!

*coughs coughs*

Anyways, was playing crossword puzzles and was alil bored and sleepy already it should be waking me up, stimulating my brains! and suddenly I found a word there and I got naughty and started print screening and doodling the whole puzzle LMAO Windows 7 Snipping Tool RAWKS

Well, Imma wish you guys happy Lantern-ing & Mooncake Stuffing today!

Can’t wait to burn light those lanterns I bought!

UPDATED: How I spent my mooncake festival? With mom, Sis and baby Brayan at Snowflakes and then ss15 Burger woots!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

stephy-burnsLantern-nie

Oh me Oh my I’m 21.

Yesh you might think that I’m still not over with the fact that I’ve reached 21 but yeah! I mean it IS something to talk about for the next 365 & 1/4 days cause I’ll be 21 for the rest of those days and like it or not I’ll just keep reminding you how young and carefree being 21 is!

The perks of being 21 :

#1 I am basically legal for every single thing that has an age limit as the”un-legal” factor dowana use illegal cuz it’s not exactly illegal it’s just NOT legal.

#2 I get to legally with chins up, minus the sneak in criminal style thingy heads up high enter the casino in Genting! and Las Vegas and Macau and win all the money I could spend which of course is awesome if I only win and not lose at all! weee!

#3 er.. I get to vote? Go Parti Pisang!

Well okays maybe there’s nothing really much about being 21 except that

#1 you are being called old now

#2 you are expected to ACT 21. ie maturedly

#3 You have are dog chained around your neck with a key tag and the number 21 there how parents were afraid that people dunno their kid already 21 years OLD

#4 You’re old. Yeah you. I’m young.

    

Funny bones aside, well existing for nearly 21 years is a real blessing for me, of course I thank God for allowing this toy of yours to still stay on the board of the game.

Last night when I slept, I had these flashback on how I’ve grown over the years. From being this timid little girl to a pretty much less timid and more loudly      declare-fying ladeyh.

From this 10 year old shy girl who' feels that touching a guy *hand brushed or whatever that is minor minor besides a handshake* is nonsensical and cannot be tolerated as it is defined as a undercover molestation of us girls’ dignity to being really open minded on how the world works nowadays, feeling almost numb and neutral and surprisingly mature over issues like sex and relationships.

Yes I remember how I was the happily ever after person who believes in forever and ever and love only comes once which sometimes I’d like to still believe that since I still have not find “the one” I used to differentiate liking and loving so clearly that I was VERY convinced that I only liked my ex boyfriend and never loved him prolly watch too much of american movies/dramas (Charmed!!) that I got the whole dating idea in my head and love is a serious commitment pre-requisite matter.

Now yes I still believe in love. And I also believe that people CAN date and only date without the love coming in. I don’t know about falling in love yes still quite particular in the love matter but I have did felt awfully hurt both physically and emotionally (with literal heart pains) before which I dunno if it could be a sign that I DID fell in love or that I just got hurt over something that I could not keep.

Though many things that may have changed, my attitude, my social skills LMFAO and what not, but I think my lack of self assurance and self confidence still is stuck here in me. The lack of self affirmation and the strength is still not dug out. As much as I have convinced myself that I’m there and that I know what I want to be and where I wanna be, I pretty much am still beating around the bush.

But nevertheless I know I HAVE grown over the years. I am brave to do things that I never thought I’d face and I am proud of myself somehow.

If I suddenly wake up and find myself 13 again, I may not change my choices in life. Maybe I would change the way I do things but I really wouldn’t mind going through the same things again, knowing the same people all over again.

But if I WERE to change my mind, I’d probably be in New Zealand now. OR in Nottingham doing my degree. Working my ass off for exams. hmm.. THAT I might would reconsider choosing.

Cai Hong did this birthday post for me (see it here) and she commented that I am a very honest nice blogger and really, that was sweet of her, but that at the same time makes me think if everyone does think of me that way.

I believe one way of growing up is to know what people think of you. My supervisors look up to me so well that sometimes I don’t believe it. LOL. That one day when I decided to be firmer in my standings and distributed my work, I felt like I’m being looked at as a bitchy bossy person. But I know I should never think like that or I’d never succeed in being a leader.

That I must change.

Being 21, which means that I have had 21 years of knowing people, having known 505 friends well at least that’s based on facebook Somehow or rather I’m just attached to these few people in my life.

Knowing them for like what? almost a decade just sounds ridiculous cuz I still feel like we are still those kiddos in form 2, playing Pokemon and those funny games we drew on our exercise books and titik-titik game. I’m grateful that eventhough we changed a lot, we still revert back to out children self when in each other’s company. We’ve seen each other in laughter and tears, good and bad and maybe unexpected times too times. Another thing I’m grateful. And plus the fact that they would layan me bitching around and reply to all my nonsense ^^

Mom and dad. Oh and of course dear sis. They’ve stood up to 21 years of my nonsense, listening to my school bff dramas and recently about boys when I finally told my dad all the boy issues I faced during school times lol , about teachers and about all my insecureness. I know me and my parents are not as open as some of you may be and sometimes it just makes me feel lonely cuz once my besties are gone I have no one to turn to but my pillow. But you both were still there whenever I need you.

Thanks mum for being so thrifty to save all the money we can save and to keep everything at home in order so that we could do everything we want though yes I know I still piss you off sometimes. She’s more of the iron lady type and she’s really shy like that not much of a PDA person lol. so I thought I might just write it here to let her know somehow if she happens to read this on how exactly I feel for her. She knows I love her. just that probably it’s just how we were brought up that there sometimes is a gap. MUM I WANT TO BE PAMPERED! I know I’m a naughty daughter. But sometimes all I want is to snuggle on her lap and make her treat me like a 5 year old again. LOL I know I’m kinda LOA (that’s Lack of attention for you mum if you don’t get acronyms).

Dad  was the real shrink in the house cuz he basically talks to us and install all those life philosophy in our OS all through the years of growing up. And I would very much want to believe that thanks to all those talks on life, learning, attitude, & relationships. I am proudly who I am today because of him. Even I am surprised on how maturedly I could embrace criticism and obstacles in life. How brave I was to deal with relationships and whatnot. And I am glad that I did leave my dad’s heart in peace with him knowing that I would not do any nonsensical things that would doom my future. I’m grateful that he trust me enough to not put a curfew on me. As much as curfews might not mean anything to you but the feeling of the trust your parents give to you JUST by not putting a curfew is really heart-touching. Seriously.

Really this was supposed to be a full photo post but I guess I was just suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of turning 21 someway somesort I turned emo but yeah I guess the full photo post gotta wait again LOL

So really. 21 doesn’t really make any difference. Nothing much of a significant thing. just another birthday. While I was trying to look for the significance in it, all the topic above just came upon me. And so I’ll just write all of it down and be emo lol.

I sometimes wonder what EXACTLY does a 21 year old SHOULD be achieving by now, seeing people with career already, own business, family, a life. Nowadays things are just so advanced and forward that there’s no longer time to take time to comprehend and youngsters just cannot fathom the direction anymore.

Maybe I really just need to grow up?

*shrugs*

*Imma finally post this up!*

I’m grateful to have been through these 21 years of my life.

Aweshum.

Good night.

Obsolete

Sometimes it’s just like that. I don’t know what I‘m thinking and what I’m doing. I’ve always thought that it’s okay but after it happens a tsunami of thoughts just flood through my mind non-stop Judging, Screwing, Reminiscing, slicing though each and every part of my brains reminding me where I stand, Comparing.

And then I get the Obsolete stamp.

I guess it’s just a way to grow up.

I’m meeting people, I fell for some, I hated some, I Loved a lot.

It’s even funnier how people you know might not just be the person you thought they are, though it HAD been years since we’ve known each other. One day out of nowhere they might just come out of nowhere and ask a question. A VERY disturbing question. And as it disturbs you, you compelled into it and it brings realization of something that you did not notice at all.

The difference, the feelings, the memories.

The tear it brings. The joy that was.

Out of nowhere I just feel like crying.

I feel like I’ve lost my way, the shoulders I had to cry on.

I am alone.

alone in the dark dark dark room.

And it may sound ridiculous I know.

I don’t know how anymore. I just needed to pour things out, but I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t tell you why. But all I want is just that. To Tell, to talk. And see your face looking back to me telling me that I’m just being silly and things are gonna be alright. No one’s going to judge, and you know very well yourself that.

I’d wish I could go back to December and turn around and change my own mind.

Again, something rather contradicting,

You ain’t King of Anything

 

*I DO NOT own those awesome photos. they’re from deviantArt!*

Magic-versary?

I miss the 3days ago Genting.

Going through the day again brings back memories on how random my life could be before and now how controlled it is.

And funny how suddenly the word Genting just appears around me in twitter and facebook just to remind me of that day.

Rainbowific Days

Deep inside I just wish I could escape to Genting once more and just have abit of fun and re-experience the magic I went through on that 2 days, coming back with alil more faith and a very big sore smile. 

The spark of randomity - I'm open!

stephy-needsSleep-nie

I’m really just Trapped in a bear costume

 

 

“Troubles melts like lemon drops, up in the chimney high, You’ll find meeey”

I love my friends. I don’t eat them. Really.

“Underneath the city lights
There is a world few know about
Where rules dont apply, no
And you cant keep a good girl down”

I LOVE talking on the phone

“The time has come,
For closing books and long last looks must end,
And as I leave,
I know that I am leaving my best friend,
A friend who taught me right from wrong,
And weak from strong,
That's a lot to learn,
What, what can I give you in return?”

I think I spot a spot at a spot behind my back.

“All my life I’ve been good and now,

who oh oh oh oh

All I want is to mess around”

I want caffeine… Lots of themmmm…

“

All comics are from NatalieDee. Check em out. me like. RANDOM!

And this from Toothpaste For Dinner

stephy-comicy-nie

Inspired

I remember last week I’ve read this article by JasonMumbles on @thestar_rage (a once a week section on The Star newspaper ) Read article here about passion. Somewhat somehow the article kinda took me back into the past and made me think of those days when I started to blog. yes for some strange reasons

I remember I got introduced to blogging in this High Achievers’ Program in college where YES we actually had to take a COURSE on BLOGGING like wth and as much as I’ve heard about blogging it wasn’t that HOT yet in 2007 remember?

After that “course” I’ve went around my newly acquainted buddies with existing blogs and I was straight away hooked up on it. I remember I approached blogging in a very protective way. I basically tried to avoid ANY, I MEAN ANY information on me into the blog. I went with a nick name *cotton* with the site name cotton blurts I know lame and started blogging very constrictively; like when you just got to know a new friend and you don’t go “hey I had 5 ex boyfriends and I’m no longer a virgin! you?” right? I’m just exaggerating the figure of speech but you know what I mean

But it wasn’t until the day I went blog hopping and I still remember I bumped into MissyCheerio ‘s blog and she in a way unlocked the blogger self of mine. Reading her posts made me see that it’s okay to be yourself and your blog CAN be that sanctuary for you to just write. And I like to read her blog cause it gives me the sense of personal feeling, as in she gives the friendly feel to us readers that it’s enjoyable reading it. And I want to give the same as well.

oh and good luck in your journey Ellie!

Plus I like her photos. Pwetty

So I changed my blog address to http://stefanizlyf.blogspot.com and slowly released this locked up soul into the sanctuary I just found. But after awhile of words filled posts, it started to not feel expressive enough since I can’t tahan to be reading AND writing essays all the time I bumped into ANOTHER blog; which was AngelKein and her blog inspired me to see through things and capture it with my lens though that time lens = my China handphone lens. Oh I still remember THAT one post that awed me here. I did take photos before but her photos was among the ones that gave me the idea to do more and see simple things behind ordinary views

I particularly liked this one below.

Among my early photos you can see it at this post And mind you it’s taken with a VGA china phone camera *Beams proudly* though yes I edited them but usually it’s just tweaking the shadows and sometimes saturation since the camera I had had a “natural” hue

Kinda like lomo feel aite? hahaha. I didn’t even know what lomo was when I did this.

Anyhoos I’m glad I came across these awesome blogs, got inspired, and went on with blogging for all these while. Hey! it’s never a bad thing to expand our network and connections and get to know more people.

I love how I ended up here and now and I’m glad.

Happy blogging!