Supermassive Blackhole

It's a horrible thing to feel when you're feeling the bits of regret that you did not let go of the things you should.

I was in a deep dilemma that ate up part of me for a whole month. it was not JUST a dilemma, but one that could change the course of my life. And when I took up the guts to make my own decision, decision move on, I faced being judged. Being criticized. Being manipulated. Then I just went "Fuck it" and roll right into the box where they kept me.

I remember struggling the ropes that they tie me in. Turning all the circumstances against me. Scaring me with the unknown. Soothing me with their prediction and vision. Of a greener grass. I tried being mean, cruel, even desperate. To no avail they would never want to let me go and continued suffocate me. 3 escape attempts. I got pulled back.

Right here right now I'm feeling so much pressure on myself. I told them that I can't do this. That this is not my thing. That I'm suffering in the task that I'm assigned to. That I am working with no passion which will lead to self destruction. No. They don't listen. When my own self righteousness cannot be argued, they bring in others into the picture. "what would happen if you left them? Them helpless creatures abandoned like that" Well too bad so sad no?

No. I couldn't. Fuck the false image they gave. Now I feel like I spoiled my own reputation. I am horrible in making these decisions. I can't handle these stuffs. I may be a fast learner but this is not what I am good at. And I'm struggling cuz it's my pot of food for the family. But I'm embarrassing myself in front of them all.

If only I could go scream at them. "SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?! I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT DOING ANY GOOD! I'M CAUSING SO MUCH BAD THAN GOOD! AND YOU STILL TREAT ME LIKE I'M THE AWESOME PERSON THERE BUT I'M NOTT!!! I CAN'T DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO! FUCKING DON'T DESERVE ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO ME"

I'd cry but I feel embarrassed. Weak. Vulnerable. Vulnerable. Judged. Oh dear God help me. Have I done fair to myself? Where have my instincts go.,why is there only survival instincts with me. What happened to ambition? Dream? Courage? My future vision of being successful. Not being a bishop or a knight in someone else's chess game.

What have I done to myself?

Why the resigned feeling?
Why the contentment?
Why trying to prove to people I love that I made my suggestions because I needed to sacrifice myself for them. That I'm doing a selfless thing. That this is for their good. So that they CAN be a proper real successful person than me.

cuz I have no hope.

I'm just gonna live in the now. #YOLO

What is to become of me?

stephy-broken-nie

Obsolete

Sometimes it’s just like that. I don’t know what I‘m thinking and what I’m doing. I’ve always thought that it’s okay but after it happens a tsunami of thoughts just flood through my mind non-stop Judging, Screwing, Reminiscing, slicing though each and every part of my brains reminding me where I stand, Comparing.

And then I get the Obsolete stamp.

I guess it’s just a way to grow up.

I’m meeting people, I fell for some, I hated some, I Loved a lot.

It’s even funnier how people you know might not just be the person you thought they are, though it HAD been years since we’ve known each other. One day out of nowhere they might just come out of nowhere and ask a question. A VERY disturbing question. And as it disturbs you, you compelled into it and it brings realization of something that you did not notice at all.

The difference, the feelings, the memories.

The tear it brings. The joy that was.

Out of nowhere I just feel like crying.

I feel like I’ve lost my way, the shoulders I had to cry on.

I am alone.

alone in the dark dark dark room.

And it may sound ridiculous I know.

I don’t know how anymore. I just needed to pour things out, but I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t tell you why. But all I want is just that. To Tell, to talk. And see your face looking back to me telling me that I’m just being silly and things are gonna be alright. No one’s going to judge, and you know very well yourself that.

I’d wish I could go back to December and turn around and change my own mind.

Again, something rather contradicting,

You ain’t King of Anything

 

*I DO NOT own those awesome photos. they’re from deviantArt!*

Happy 2011!

Yesh I know it's 5 more minutes to the THIRD day of new year.

So what? The point is it's already 2011! woohoo!

2010 had been such a whirlwind to me where I was stuck in between so many decisions and I have not remembered any other years where I have to make such huge decisions yesh i'm a kid at home, sue me! So 2010 had been quite a headache and I've been tored apart like mad.

2010 was also a year where I've lost and found beautiful and ugly people of cuz I mean physically. Really and I've had my regrets on meeting and loosing so many people last year so gotta get used to saying that XD but somehow or rather I've noticed that in a way I've grown to learn more on the perspective of life and principles that really helps in being a happier person.

2010 I've had my FIRST job (as a promoter in the Crystal Shop) and also My first FORMAL JOB in the current office! I've never knew real office politics and mean girls rarw~ till I actually been in an office @@

2010 being over also means that I've been out of the studying world for ONE WHOLE YEAR. I've not used my calculator for a year, haven't read any chemical thingy for a year and haven't complaint about exams for a year. wow.

Whatever it is, 2011 is here and Imma make it another awesome year ahead! not forgetting not abandoning my bloggie which I love very dearly (it's gonna be your 4th year this year! though I felt like I've been blogging for decades XD

I gotta go out for more events! last year I really toned down alot cause all of my "drivers" I mean friends started working already.. But since I've already have a license to drive AND a car.. ngehehehe... TIME TO TRAVEL! (Current level : still driving around Klang only @@)

Whatsover Once again from stephy's life :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

stephy-nie

The Road Not Taken

I don't exactly know how many of you read the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost though for those who are above 18 this year I'm pretty sure you know this cause you LEARN it in ENGLISH for SPM in form 4!. Reading that during form four in class, we just studied it and answer the questions in exams without thinking that what it says might really happen to our life in the future.

And no, it's not the small small dilemma if you can actually call them dilemmas like whether to eat Bah Kut Teh or Chi Kut Teh for dinner, or whether you should wear the neon-ic kryptonic bright pink dress or the black simple one. It's actually two paths that can change your whole life, one bringing you waaaay up into the society, and one bringing you up up to the world of your own satisfaction.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"

Like SERIOUSLY I've sat and thought hard and asked and listened and considered and squeeze my brain juices out considered.

Really I AM very sorry I couldn't travel both. Both roads have their flowers and butterflies but then one of the road had lavender and black and purple gothic butterflies which has a direct link to my heart.

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back."

Yes I've made up my mind, and took the road less taken by majority. Knowing the situation you might think that I'm such and idiot for leaving the road that usually PEOPLE would take.

But I stood my ground, took charge of my life the way I should years ago.
I decided to be selfish for once and go for what I want.
I decided to take the lane which spells stephanie all the way though I know it includes the words hardship, working-my-ass-off, no-luxurious-life and of such as well instead of the road that is filled with promises and "guarantees" that sometimes seems too good to be true but then again, realistic enough.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Yes, I hope that in years time, I can say that " I took the one less traveled by, And that made
ALL THE DIFFERENCE"


Oh in addition to the serious post, here's something to balance it off. May I present you an AWESOME translation of a hindi song : Come see me eat my NIPPLES!

"Oh shit I'm a butter head!
You can't tell I don't have a head!
Do me hard on my head
Do me here in papaaayaaaa"

*hides behind tree and does bollywood hips shaking*

hahahahahhahahahhahaha I'm LMAO-ing my ASS off!

Thanks to Kai Chi for the video! AWESOMENESS!

stephy-tookTheDirtyDustyDodgyRoad-nie

Simply emo-ish

Got myself a new header.
i call it simply emo-ish cause... honestly I have no idea but it just comes into my mind when I see it. Just look at it, it's simple AND alil on the emo side so tadah!

:D

Emo-ish was how the last few days had been for me cause of some stuffs and looks like I hafta buck up and start thinking alil more devious and senget in order to survive!

So yeah I'll survive this thing cause I know I'm awesome and I CAN!

Beat it people! BEAT IT!



If you come at me again I'll release my monster at you!

Stephy-exhaustedlyJiayouIng-nie

I know you miss me. Me miss you too

Life is amazing.

Why?

Cause you’d never know what might just come outta nowhere in life!

It’s like at one time you might just be falling into a hole of infinite darkness and the next you’d see a hand holding up to you pulling you into the light and warmth away from all the pitch black.

Sometimes I wonder if things are really going like they are now. Is that hand real? Can I trust my whole being into letting that hand pull me up and show me the way to warmness and everything good?

How sometimes things could seem so wrong but feel so damn right at the same time.

Its so ridiculous yet convincingly makes sense it makes you go crazy!

But I love how the randomness and unpredictable-ness came into my life.

Little did I realized, I kinda auto-pilot-ly adapted the randomness into my life that when it decides to officially enter I auto pilotly accepted without considering. It’s like my body worked on its own while my mind goes eh? oh? what? how? what just happened? O_O

LMAO

You guys may be thinking wth am I rambling about. Well, Thats for me to know and For YOU to find out XD

What I know is that I shall take my chances again and deep down inside I hope that history wouldn’t repeat itself again and that finally my intuition is right LONG TERMLY.

   

I never regretted doing what I decided. I was glad you brought those sparkles for me. It tingles. hehe.

  

Beautiful day in Genting.

It’s a long long way to go.

Stephy-DontStopBelievin-nie

 

  

Driving Lessons with Leather suit clad Lecturer + whip? sexay~ PMS-ing maybe?

okay I haven’t been feeling awesomic lately and I have no idea why. 

I think I’m college sick cause I wanna go back to college for classes. Yes I’m alil bit attached to that place there cause most of the people I know are there and I basically am aimless at home right now Anyone wanna hire me?

Oh but wait not totally aimless! I am like finally getting my license and I just finished my KPP 5 hours of boredommity ceramah and the test would be this Saturday morning!

KPP Ceramah experience summarySketch.

What students were doing while waiting for an hour before the lecturer which is those headless people arrives.

Wadafak is the difference between those two slippers at the bottom?!

Both also slippers aite? Where can allow those on the right when those on the left are not allowed??!

And yeah I was wondering if the lecturer would be a hot boob-sy lady in tight leather suit with fishnet stockings and a whip.

Hopefully I’ll pass and then I’ll get to drive!!

woots!

But then again, while I was revising last night yes wow I know I came across several this question that DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AT ALL.

 

and guess what? the answer was “C”

………..

Yes apparently I was supposed to be driving with my hands crossed, where my right hand is at the 9 o’clock position and my left hand on the 3 o’clock position….

The greatness of these driving schools.

*********************************************************************

btw I am feeling alil weird..

I suddenly have this obsession, no this thing that haunts me..

Maybe it’s really not that serious but somehow or rather I have a bugging feeling that something from the past is haunting me  that makes me go do stuffs that I shouldn’t be doing.

like peeping.

NO not peeping hamsup-ly, don’t worry..

But peeping as in koreking stuffs and peeping into thoughts and memories that I shouldn’t.

haha I know you guys might be thinking what the hell is wrong with this girl mumbling nonsense here but this is exactly what I’m feeling!

utter nonsense that I can’t explain!

Probably that is why I seek company from him more these days and whenever something is alil different I tend to get worried and stupid stuffs starts to form in my head which probably was generated from my archives where at those times I did try to figure out lotsa stuffs but then constraint only in my head.

which means input without output.

Which probably made me the nutcase I am today.

Which might not either.

*sigh*

***********************************************************************

Then I have real weird philosophical deep Shakespeare-ical, Einstein-ical thoughts that makes weird sense.

Like sometimes I wonder about the depths of the word love and the meaning of “I love you” when people say it.

I know lotsa people probably say it to every single guy/girlfriends they have and next thing you know they’re no longer together, which made me ponder, maybe I did take that word too seriously?

But then my stubbornness denies it. Its a right thing to take that seriously.. you have to be ready to commit to that one four letter word cause it’s no small deal.

Do you love me?

Do I love you?

Yes I love you but I don’t love love you. I sayang love you.

hmmmm…

got difference meh?

See what weird weird thoughts come into my mind..

Hell you have NO IDEA..

And this made me think and think and think..

Probably I slept too much..

 

“LANDOM”

What the hell is happening???

Maybe it’s like this billboard

Come pet a rabbit and if you like it you could taste it at our rabbit satay stall next to the kandang!

Cute, pet-able and yummy!

WTF

But when I see wedding photos like this I get so melted and dayummn! Having good imagination sucks BIG TIME!

So han fook!

God help this mad lady~

Yes lady cause this year she’s freaking 20!

Hallelujah people.

stephy-iOnlyWantToBeHappy-nie 

 

ps: tomorrow Sherlock Holmes + yumcha session with college mates! woots! 

oh well…Fingers crossed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye the ~teens, Hello the ~ty! omfg

woots people it’s the new year 2010!!!

I think 2009 was quite a great year since I’ve traveled so much, made many new friends, went all out in blogging, and especially at the last few months cause for some reason the engineering peeps got so darn close and filled with dramas that I’m already missing those moments sitting in the library gossiping and sipping milo or nescafe from the vending machine, eating pringles.

Today it’s already the year 2010 where i have no more semesters to look forward to in HICT, yes i know i can’t shut my mouth on my graduation, sue me! but then I have tons to look forward to like my degree! in wherever I’m going , my driving lessons + license! , more events to organize! , more outings to go! , more hangouts with my beloveds! and more time with my family!

Plus! 2010 greeted me with these~!

4 free tickets to watch Sherlock Holmes anywhere anytime~! at least till the 31st of Jan all thanks to Malaysian Today newspaper!

Paranormal Activity next Tuesday thanks to Nuffnang.

Oh, did I mention i’m finally taking my license!!!

Oh oh! I have a birthday party to look forward to! Aro Ramo is turning 21!!

Resolutions?

I don’t feel like doing any this year.

But I wanna thank God for blessing me with great people around me, thank destiny for  letting me notice this awesome person and fall head over heels for, thank you for visiting, reading and clicking ;) , thank Nuffnang for being generous on all those invitations, thank my friends for being my friends, thank my BFFs! for who they are in my life.

oh I’m being so emo-ish..

okie okie enuff of that lemme show you guys what I’ve accomplished on the first 3 days of 2010!!

The first meal I’ve “cooked”! 

sausages with melted cheese in the microwave!

ermmm.. does this considered as cooking? the all usual Maggi mee with sausages and double eggs!

 

and tadah! Maggi mee with mayonnaise, butter and melted cheese chucked into the microwave! = yummylicious ala ala pasta! Before after pic!

Finally have time to read my Brisingr! I’m halfway through!!

 

I bought my first top for the year!

it says : “If history repeats itself, I’ll totally get myself a DINASOUR!”

<3<3<3

The first youtube video I watched. Awesomic mashup from songs of last year! Thanks to Chester’s recommendation~

Here are the list of songs that featured in this amazing mashed up track:

• The Black Eyed Peas - BOOM BOOM POW
• Lady Gaga - POKER FACE
• Lady Gaga Featuring Colby O’Donis - JUST DANCE
• The Black Eyed Peas - I GOTTA FEELING
• Taylor Swift - LOVE STORY
• Flo Rida - RIGHT ROUND
• Jason Mraz - I’M YOURS
• Beyonce - SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)
• Kanye West - HEARTLESS
• The All-American Rejects - GIVES YOU HELL
• Taylor Swift - YOU BELONG WITH ME
• T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake - DEAD AND GONE
• The Fray - YOU FOUND ME
• Kings Of Leon - USE SOMEBODY
• Keri Hilson Featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo - KNOCK YOU DOWN
• Jamie Foxx Featuring T-Pain - BLAME IT
• Pitbull - I KNOW YOU WANT ME (CALLE OCHO)
• T.I. Featuring Rihanna - LIVE YOUR LIFE
• Soulja Boy Tell ‘em Featuring Sammie - KISS ME THRU THE PHONE
• Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne - DOWN
• Miley Cyrus - THE CLIMB
• Drake - BEST I EVER HAD
• Kelly Clarkson - MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
• Beyonce - HALO
• Katy Perry - HOT N COLD

HAWT.

Okays so it’s been a long post now. So for those who starts school and/or semester tomorrow…

I get to sleep all the way till 2pm and you can’t!!!

okie okie I won’t be that bad~

erm..

Have fun?

That’s all there is then~

Good night~ 

 

stephy-isFinallyLearningToDrive-nie

 oh ps ps: why the post title? cause I’m moving from nine~TEEN to twen~TY this year!!!!