We were chatting really well this afternoon, laughing while I tease her like always. She complimented my RM10 laced top that I bought from Times Square early this year. Then we had Pauhib teasing her, asking if she wants to wear something like that too. And I told her that she should wear something sexayh like that. lols. She told us that she never wore something like that before, lacey with spaghetti strap. It tickled me.
I saw the glitter, the shine in her eyes when we arrived, especially with the kiddo along (like literally). She was really excited, and started to tell us about his elder brother and how smart and witty he is in speaking, comparing this little guy here with him. We told her he’s only a year old so cannot expect much mah.. Still small. Then she goes on telling us how she don’t remember how to pronounce both the boys’ names. (told her it’s Jay Jay & Jun Jun but she asked for the English name instead LOLs LMAO) Oh and that includes their dad’s. Apparently she never called him by name till now. LOLs.
As usual again, every time we arrive and she’s eating halfway, she’d go all embarrassed and shy and would immediately say she’s full and refuse to eat any more. I could not really fathom why but I guess she’s just being really “hak hei” towards us which is weird cuz what’s there to hak hei lah aiyoo. She was about to finish, I mean with her condition, she’s really a superwoman in eating normally already cuz I doubt I can eat with all of my teeth gone, seriously; where was I? oh yeah, so then she refused to continue eating, stating that she’s already full and quickly got Pauhib to clear the table. And funny part was that she hit Pauhib on her hand cuz Pauhib didn’t go get that biscuit it was so cute the way she pronounced it “biz kuit” for me (which I insisted that I didn’t want).
Then in a soft solemn voice she merely whispered that it has been awhile since we’ve been there. She asked if I didn’t have work today. Told her today was my off day this week. She asked what I’m selling currently on my job (O-O) I’m like I work in office liao loh.. Very long ady.. “boh buey ming gia liao” (Translated as no longer selling stuffs in Hokkien). Suddenly my proficiency in hokkien leveled up to level 15 from level 5 wtfbbq.
As usual she tried shoving biscuits and breads and whatever foodstuffs that she have to us. Kept asking me to eat, asking dad if he wants coffee. Funny habit of her. Always worried we’re hungry or underfed but at the same time she wouldn’t eat herself. Sometimes I’ll just take the can just for the sake of getting her to stop shoving the bis kuits into my face which usually ends up with me actually eating them =_=
Then after awhile, that small kiddo started to make noise, whining and restless. Keeps pointing outside to my dad. So I guess we had to leave. Mum and dad told her we’re gonna have to leave already and went to get the car with that noisy boy.
Me, sitting beside her, I held her hand and told her that I’m gonna leave now and we’ll be back to visit again. She held on my hand. With a longing grip. With the almost glassy eyes looking at me. She asked why do we have to leave so early. I couldn’t explain how I felt at that point of time. The force of her grip, her eyes, I couldn’t respond. I just sat there and held on to her hand, gave her a squeeze, and after a moment I tried explaining that the boy is making a fuss already and we have to leave, told her we’ll be back again.
But I didn’t want to leave her like that. I wanted to tear looking at her react like that. What are we doing? She don’t need the hoo-hah, she don’t need the publicity of her needs, she don’t need the social network coverage, she needs the real flesh and blood of ours. Our presence, not only by being there in the physical house, but to sit by her, talk to her, hold her hand, story her on our life routines and she’ll be contented.
I always hold her hands when I talk to her, but this time it just felt really filled with emotions. She held on tight, not willing to let me leave. Her longing in her eyes for us to stay longer, her sadness and loneliness in her eyes. No wonder people said the eyes are the windows to the soul, the heart. Today I saw them.
I guess it’s no longer the time to point fingers. I guess we do need reminders from time to time, to remind us who’s waiting for us to go say “amah, chiak bah beh?” (Grannie, Have you eaten?) She didn’t live up to the 90s+ to be lonely without her loved ones.
What others choose to do doesn’t matter much anymore. I guess it’s time instead for US to choose what WE should do and do it. Rather more efficient like that huh? 
Amah, I’m sorry I wasn’t there often enough for you.
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stephy-nie
