Narcissistic blow.

Yosh. It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It seems that the time I'd turn to writing is when I'm faced with the lowest points of my life. Funny how it is but writing seems to be the one thing that broke me down recently.

It's crazy that all these while you have this confidence in you of your own capability when suddenly one day it just hit you right in the face. It's not that you're stupid or anything. It's just that you FEEL stupid. Now how do I put this? I'd think that feeling stupid is worse than being stupid. It's because if you're stupid, you might not even know it and you're in this little world of yours not comprehending what people are saying or thinking of you. But if you feel that you're stupid, even if you're not, you'd feel horrible.

I guess I should instead say that when your self confidence breaks and you'd think that you yourself are stupid; it'll just stab you in the guts when circumstances around you move to prove that you're right. 

Now I believe this is caused by stress and also the lack of self confidence. I know my capabilities. I know I can do much better. Heck I know the answer. But I just can't translate it into the words I need. Everything is just in my head buy it's all jumbled up and second after second you start to feel the walls closing on to you, leaving lesser space for you and boom! You're nothing but chapati.

It's scary how pressure could do onto a person. When you have someone who used to think that they need you more than you do, but turns out you suck balls more than them (well not literally euw). But yeah. Tables turned. You're on the weaker side. You're the dumb slow one. And then they belittle you. Saying how fortunate you are cuz the shit you have to face are peanuts. Yeah like I need more stories floor to go down to (basement level 57 pls tq) ding! Oh yes please don't even offer any help. I'd don't need anymore how can you nots..

Oh my God. I feel karma hitting on me. Was I that person? Was I the one doing that? Oh God no..

Karma.

That's.... I'm so sorry.. I hope I did help. I've never felt so low of myself ever. Not even my level of optimism could help. U wallowed in tears allowing the little red devil on my left shoulder telling me how stupid I am. How worthless. How could I even thought I was anywhere near good. How I even thought I could conquer the world. How when a few sentences and a 4,000 word count beats me to the ground. I'm never a cryer. But I've finished 3 years worth of quota on this one.

But how is it if your pillar of strength has thorns on it. (Yeah thanks ego). You hang on to it for your dear life but it's gotta be a painful one. What if people just don't get it. What if you've so gotten used to the masked smile you don't know how to reach out anymore? The helpless feeling. The feeling that all that you made yourself believe about you is a lie. A super huge narcissistic lie. And it's proven and paraded to all on how all the past medals are nothing but a piece of recyclable crap.

I've never knew being compared sucks, cuz I never really cared. No wonder it'll lead to stress and anxiety. Poor Asian kids.

It's just overwhelming. Things like this. I think I need a getaway for temporary relief and then a platform to prove to myself that I ain't a lying narcissist.

It's been a rough week.

An effing rough one.
Now I've gotta man up, chest out and brave the storm.

Good night people

Conmen be conned

Being Malaysian we con everyday without realizing. The most common way is via bargaining. The sellers con us with "Aiyah miss best price already. If I discount some more my boss will kill me ah. Lowest liao. No earn your money ady" and us consumers would rather die than believing that that is the lowest price given and starts pointing out the flaws of the product i.e. "you see here tore already. Can't work properly. Got one patch of dirt here. Give discount lah. Earn less abit never mind lah.."

As much as it's a common thing to haggle, this act requires great skills and a sharp mind to focus and find flaws in each other's actions and takes the best  advantage of the situation. Of course you will need the mouth of a samurai, swift in words yet deadly with each slice.

Right. Enough dramatisation. What I wanted to share was a true story that happened the day before where I saw the power of the conmen (tho of course they don't literally con. I think.).

See I was browsing this kiosk that was selling phone covers and they had quite a range for my phone. After choosing two of them I naturally asked for a discount (like heck I'll pay 30+ for a handphone cover). But that guy just refused to give any. Only to settle with RM60 for 2.

You see, sis is a hardcore person. So she haggled and her con skills was utilised.  She pointed out tears and how the pocket cannot be opened.. heck I was getting worried if I bought a faulty cover.

Now that guy refused to budge. (Let's name him Loki). So Loki (hewhosoldphonecovers) fought back and suddenly came out with this brilliant conclusion.

"Let's play heads or tails; then we decide whose price to use. 3 throws."

"So if you win we get RM60 per pair and if we win we get it for RM50."

That got us all excited and both sides we gung-ho to win.

Here comes the kaki kangkang (opened legged) stance, coin placed, and flippedy up it goes. Me and sis chose heads (I think. Either way lah) and it head rock bottom on tails. And then another time on tails. Sis being UBER sharp thinking stopped him.

"You cheated."

:o:o:o

"No i didn't. I just flipped."

"Sure. It's science that if you flip with whatever side facing up, it fall with the side facing up as well. Prove you didn't cheat. Flip it with heads up."

"Okay. I will."

*flips coin*
Heads! So 1-2
*flips again*
Heads!!! 2-2
*last flip*

This is the funny part. The coin fell and rolled all around 3ft vicinity of the kiosk and my sis and Loki followed the coin half bent over.

And guess who won?

Loki : "what the eff!! Shit! Sheyyyyt! What the effffff!"

He came fist bumping us and I thanked him for his generosity. Dropped the RM50 and grabbed the two covers.

And that's how my sis rolls.

image

👐🙆🙌👐

Oh yeah. Experience of a lifetime.

Nyt

The Nyt

Here comes the Nyt.

thenytvial.wordpress.com

Supermassive Blackhole

It's a horrible thing to feel when you're feeling the bits of regret that you did not let go of the things you should.

I was in a deep dilemma that ate up part of me for a whole month. it was not JUST a dilemma, but one that could change the course of my life. And when I took up the guts to make my own decision, decision move on, I faced being judged. Being criticized. Being manipulated. Then I just went "Fuck it" and roll right into the box where they kept me.

I remember struggling the ropes that they tie me in. Turning all the circumstances against me. Scaring me with the unknown. Soothing me with their prediction and vision. Of a greener grass. I tried being mean, cruel, even desperate. To no avail they would never want to let me go and continued suffocate me. 3 escape attempts. I got pulled back.

Right here right now I'm feeling so much pressure on myself. I told them that I can't do this. That this is not my thing. That I'm suffering in the task that I'm assigned to. That I am working with no passion which will lead to self destruction. No. They don't listen. When my own self righteousness cannot be argued, they bring in others into the picture. "what would happen if you left them? Them helpless creatures abandoned like that" Well too bad so sad no?

No. I couldn't. Fuck the false image they gave. Now I feel like I spoiled my own reputation. I am horrible in making these decisions. I can't handle these stuffs. I may be a fast learner but this is not what I am good at. And I'm struggling cuz it's my pot of food for the family. But I'm embarrassing myself in front of them all.

If only I could go scream at them. "SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?! I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT DOING ANY GOOD! I'M CAUSING SO MUCH BAD THAN GOOD! AND YOU STILL TREAT ME LIKE I'M THE AWESOME PERSON THERE BUT I'M NOTT!!! I CAN'T DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO! FUCKING DON'T DESERVE ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO ME"

I'd cry but I feel embarrassed. Weak. Vulnerable. Vulnerable. Judged. Oh dear God help me. Have I done fair to myself? Where have my instincts go.,why is there only survival instincts with me. What happened to ambition? Dream? Courage? My future vision of being successful. Not being a bishop or a knight in someone else's chess game.

What have I done to myself?

Why the resigned feeling?
Why the contentment?
Why trying to prove to people I love that I made my suggestions because I needed to sacrifice myself for them. That I'm doing a selfless thing. That this is for their good. So that they CAN be a proper real successful person than me.

cuz I have no hope.

I'm just gonna live in the now. #YOLO

What is to become of me?

stephy-broken-nie